Chapter 3: The problem or the symptom?

A recent AP headline induced what could only be described as a Pavlovian response in the salivary glands of the staff in the WTW newsroom, which is really saying a lot as the usual tonality around the water cooler is somewhere between lackluster and a dull pessimistic hum. And with a rabid fervor(read "mild feigning of interest") this reporter took it upon himself to bring this story to the presses. Although this agency has a general distaste for the established social institutions, it is also of the opinion albeit begrudgingly, that some but certainly not all are one of life's necessary evils. Let's say for example, that you are involved in accident with one of the earths lowest forms of scum, the man with no insurance. Unfortunately for you no matter who you call you won't have much recourse against the asshole who hit you but you still have the problem of your now leaking not so mobile auto blocking the middle of a busy intersection, but fear not for the police, or the fire department, or the ambulance, or possibly all three will show up on your tax dime to wipe up the mess.

Society's biggest threat? 

 The police are also good for lots of other things, like showing up to your black tie affair and asking the cellist to turn it down a few notches, or sitting outside of a local old folks home poised to give out a rash of seat belt citations. All of these are important services that we certainly could not do without, and apparently the police have took it upon themselves to provide the citizens with a new crucial service. Cavity Searches. Oh yes you read correctly cavity searches are now being provided free of charge to all parents who are unlucky enough to have children that know what guns are. A man was arrested at an elementary school last week upon arriving to pick up his daughter. The charge, possession of a firearm (which at last I checked was legal and even more staggering one which he did not possess). The cause, the daughter drew a picture of a gun during class.

Assume the position Evil Doer !!!

Now you might be thinking  "So what? Kids must draw pictures of guns all the time." and you'd be right considering the flagrant inundation of guns in today's popular culture. Kids cant watch a pixar movie or play a video game without exposure to gun violence. But without even for a moment considering the aforementioned facts our teacher takes her "morality" and thrusts it upon social services to deal with as a "serious concern". Follow chain of command through what must appear as a way to nosy teacher to a heinously overweight no kids of her own I know whats best for everyone social worker, through to the actual officer who upon not finding the firearm in question, felt it would be a good idea to insert his finger into another mans rectum (because that is the most likely spot for a gun to hide). And all of this good fortune befell this man for committing the  ungodly offence of sending his child to school. It would seem to me that this guy should count himself lucky that his daughter wasn't drawing pictures of WMD's. Let's break it down, number of people who need to mind their own business 3 points(1 point each), abuses of a position of authority 4 points, making a child feel responsible for her dad getting hauled off in a squad car 4 points, and finally asking another man to lift his scrotum and bend over 7 points.


Final Score 18/20

Chapter 2: An introduction to Terrible

"behold the magnificence"

When trying to select a champion of all things that are awful, there are certain indicators that one can follow to give an accurate field assessment until all of the facts can be weighed. A great area to begin honing ones skills in worst identification is the popular and ever present automobile. While there are many different sub-categories, as well as an equally large number of different reasons for being classified as one of the worst in this field of study, It is safe to say that you should know it when you see it at which point you can now begin to try and classify your find. Take for example the Volkswagen Beetle, as originally designed and marketed, a very popular car. And although it had considerable design flaws ie: complete lack of heat, complete lack of power and, if you are a man who owns one, a complete lack of your own balls (1), they still don't quite qualify as the worst. As the "peoples car" they were affordable, reliable, saleable in almost every world market, fuel efficient and the list goes on

Continental kits are a big no no.

and on. But even with all of these points that place the Beetle squarely outside of the realm of the worst on it's own accord, individual liberty will often land it as a high ranking official in the awful army. Case in point the Beetle MrkV limousine? But of course. In this instance a deranged individual actually thought that this cosmetic conversion was an upgrade, and yet more difficult to believe is that someone actually agreed and took the money to bring this abortion to fruition. Besides the immediate bad taste you get in your mouth and the possible feelings of indigestion that are experienced upon initial viewing, let us breakdown the finer points of this monstrosity so we are able to accurately assess its worst point value. It should be noted that any Beetle, or VW for that matter, that has been disguised as any other marquee is an automatic 5 out of a possible 20 worst points. Square headlight conversion is 2 points, limousine proportions are another 2,  flimsy aluminum bumpers 1 point each, white velour MrkV captains seats 2 points (but -1 for making them fit) and lastly 3 points automatically for any add on continental kit. With the tally complete this particular specimen pulls down a solidly bad but not yet truly awful

Final score15/20


(1): lets get serious fellas, these cars are for chicks.

Chapter 1: Is it really all that bad?

Since the beginning of recorded time, man has struggled with the concept of good vs evil, light vs dark. Here at pessimism central control, we are determined to examine this age old question through a different set of glasses in an attempt to quantify this phenomena by showcasing and ranking some of the most awful "creations"(read: abortions) of mediocrity. As there are so many fresh examples of terrible coming on scene daily, the rankings created hereafter may be subject to change as worse examples make themselves apparent.....